“ I wont give up”

As I'm writing this, he's being mad at me i think, i dont know, he hasnt said anything for the past 20 mins, we're riding on a bike together without any talks, did i do something wrong?

Maybe he’s giving me up.. i’m scared when i have senses, because for the 23 years, they always come true.. my guts feelings tho..

And then the bike stopped, i used all my bravery to reach out and hold his hand, 1 sec, 2 secs, 3 secs..he hasn't pushed me out yet. Yes, he let me do so.. He’s now holding me tighter. Thanks God, whatever in my head was just another assumption, he was just having a quiet time for his own..

One thing i’ve learned about being in any relationship is that you have to let the other one to truely be themselves, like, you both have to learn to let others feel “ok” to do things that might does not sound ok, like sometimes we stay together but nobody would say a thing, sometimes he would ask me a question regarding on what he’s reading, i answer, and then we both go back to our zones. Its ok, i respect his so called “zone” because i also have mine. Thats why i don’t mind being w him day by day, which i hated when i was busy “dating”. I never dated many guys at once, but i rarely go on relationships, so i always made sure i spend little time w guys and focus on my own life. My ego was always high lol, I was always obsessed with “having a life". Now I feel like you can spend time together without losing ‘you', you know? Playing games is overrated. We meet a lot. People say that's not good. Who cares? Our ways of loving are different, as long as we feel good and don't think that our bed room is our only world lol. This kind of attachment and relationship is new to me you know. I wouldn’t call it peace, but i feel some bits of peace in it. Or nah, let's call it peace.

Talking about peace, let's discuss! Is peace a good thing? So many people are trying their best to get to a stage with “peace”, again, is “peace” a good thing? Is it? I once was with a guy, we broke up for the so called “peace” too, I mean, at that time, I used ‘peace' to describe what we had, when we did not put more efforts into the relationships, we played it safe, we were scared of getting hurt you know. Plus, we were both different people with different goals and different ways of thinkings, so to maintain that “peace”, we communicated less, up to the point that i felt like we were just people, telling sweet stuff to each other as a routine, having physical touches as a need, and keeping each other because we need a so called ‘ lover'. You know, life seems like a competition, even when we know we shouldn't see it that way, but sometimes, the pressures are just too high, it's hard not to be dragged into that thought. When you haven't learned how to love yourself 100%, you feel the need to ‘tick the box' to all the standards that life tells you to have, so you would feel secured. “ OK, I finally found a boyfriend, I should keep him" kind of thought. We were both kids, with insecurities, we projected them onto people. The love was real, but we chose not to face with our problems, we thought ‘peace' is more important.

I hated how ‘lazy' we both were, but for the guy, he had been putting efforts and went all in before, in his past relationships, so he thought it was the time for him to stay in “peace” in our relationship. No craziness, no extreme feelings, but being crazy is basically me, is what i like the most about me, in any relationships, I'm the extreme, emotional type of girl. Back then, i thought his approach was what i needed, ‘peace’ was what we needed, i thought that was how adult relationships should have been, so I did whatever the other one wanted, I didn't even show my opinions, just to save the relationship. I wish i loved myself more, to realised that that kind of relationship was not fair, you know? Now that i think abt it, i think its selfish for any of us to project our love experience on to our lovers and force them to follow our pace. I don’t blame the guy, of course, i loved him, i think he was there for me to learn more about what i want in love/life, and how to respect myself. We were all just kids, being stubborn as fuck about what we believed.

It actually takes a lot of time & experience, for me to realise that I did not want a boyfriend who manages to ‘tick all the boxes' that i had in mind, I actually spent a lot of time running around dating and trying and stuff lol, then I found out I met a lot of people that actually ‘ tick all the boxes' but yeah, strong feelings were not there, why would i develop further? Again, I'm the extreme type, I've been on this earth for 24 years with more ‘love' from my people, from this beautiful life, so if I go on a romantic adventure, I want 100%, I want to give that person a wild love & receive nothing less than a wild love. Call me greedy, but yeah, that's me. I'd spend my time learning your definition of wild love.

Now I feel that I'm in peace again, but this definition of peace that i'm having now is different, I feel like it is the real one, at least for me. I'm enjoying this ride, when i'm older & confident about what I have to bring to someone, a relationship, when I know the core of a relationship is 2 people learning about each other's best & worst sides, and working together to ‘draw’ something together, simply enjoy finding new things about each other, enjoying each other's company, and push aside our ego, sometimes, because we know we have bigger things that keep us in love. Actually it's as simple as this, you wake up everyday feeling like you're loving that one & yourself & life a bit more, I would love to make someone to love themselves better, that's the whole point.

I'm no relationship gurus, for the fact that my love life consists of ..like, 100 short stories. I just feel like sharing my thought today, of how I appreciate how people are passing through my life & change me a bit, in a positive way.

By the way, as I am finishing this note, my ‘current obssession' is singing I wont give up by Jason Mraz, just because he accidentally saw the beginning of this note lol. OK he's now complaining “- Girls are girls, I only stayed silent for 20 mins driving to keep my throat ready for the singing session later, how could you think about all the possibilities like that..”

pffffffff, whatever, just feel like writing these thoughts down, not making a comparison of my ex to my bf, tho it sounds like one, haha, it's more like i'm comparing my 2 different selves to each other, my thoughts travel fast you know? bye boo bye, going back to eating now.


an old note from May, 10th, ‘18.

a girl who's in love.


©2019 by Kim Chi Sun & JMG Melancholy