self talk | entry 102131231

Hi guys,

If you've been reading these things i post, probably you know that i've been here, talking to myself for the last 1 year or so..and i'm still a contradiction of many ‘me..s'... so i still write here.. to communicate with.. ‘them'.. ( u feel me?)

I have not done much. Meanwhile, we're already entering a new year, oh come on, time, can you not? Haha.

Starting 2019, i have tons of thoughts..

mostly questions of all my possibilities ( oh mah gard, yes, I'm still on this battle babes)20% Doubting my abilities... 30% wondering if everyone’s advices are those I should follow..

by the way ive changed so much in the past year, before talking about what i have not done, let me remind myself about what i've done.

  1. I’m not obsessed with “being happy” anymore, i was a happy girl, naturally...but the fact that everyone kept telling me so.. pressured me so much... everyone kept saying: ‘omg why r u always happy why are you so positive.. you're such a sweet heart, energetic & happy all the time, etc’... those ‘supposed to be a compliment’ compliments somehow has got me stressed, they’ve got me to feel like if i had not been happy, it would have meant that I was fake to others... But now, i don't think much, i do notice people say it less, probably because I don't come off as a ‘happy girl’ that much anymore, but that's fine to me. And when someone says that damn thing again - that ‘why are you always happy & careless’, I'd smile and be like, ‘yeah i am happy.. erhm joking, you're another fool to believe so babe, but actually i'm a happy person, etc...*insert more self discussions being spoken* OK GUYS SORRY FOR PLAY AROUND =)) TO SUM UP, I MEAN, SOMETIMES I'M HAPPY SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING, OR I'm a young soul, sometimes I'm old, I’m wild sometimes I'm not, I'm open sometimes I don't.... I've learned to be ok with that, I don't force myself to be what others think, just to keep that image going anymore, thanks 2018 <3

  2. Because when I have finally accepted different shades of me, I started to hear myself clearer, I see my vision of me and my inner hopes clearer, which is scary really, ‘cuz you know, we all have thoughts that we always try to push away, but also inspiring at the same time. It’s cool guys, to let it out after years of holding it back. I hear you clearer now Kim, I'm with you and I'll fight for you! I'll give you more chances in the next months!

  3. I like how 2018 gave me the strength to give up things i don’t need in my life, I did less of the work that is not supposed to be stressed about. By saying this, i mean, I say no more to meetings I do not have the mood for, I’ve stopped buying stuff I did not need at the time, I've said byes to the jobs that did not feel right, I have got the guts to reject offers that might sound good to others, or to the old me, but wouldn't match my long term vision of myself anymore. I gave up explaining about things I do & starting to see all my ‘whys' just right after that.

  4. I'm becoming younger! I try not to stop myself from thinking I'm too old for anything. I think you can be anything you want, make your decisions and literally fcuk what everyone else says. I'm becoming younger, I give myself chances, and more time, to work on goals that I skipped since I was 16 or something.

Seeeee, I'm soooo proud of me for the changes that 2018 brought, but I'm still having doubts starting this year ( back to the topic at the beginnings..), I guess that's good, that means i gotta do more, improve myself, so I have something to look back and reflect on innit.. better than doing nothing & have nothing to do the self-analysis.

OK that's all that I think today, haha! I guess I'll see you another day! My thoughts change every once in a while, i’m learning to be chilled with it, like, “oh hi there new thoughts! I’m here to be ur friend! But u guys should know you’re just thoughts for now, don’t turn yourself to decisions yett until you see your other “thoughty” friends” hahaa such a lame example but you feel me, don’t you? New thoughts don't mean they have to become new decisions guys, that is soooooo important!!

Anyway, who cares if this piece makes sense? Nothing makes sense until you’ve done some work that prove it. Hello 2019! Let me feel more, write more, do “things” less, do “me” more, see more in others, while meeting less people ^^

Photo: I might look emotionaless this way while writing this piece you know? =)

I wish you a soulful year x



©2019 by Kim Chi Sun & JMG Melancholy